I've been writing this in my free periods, and it's not finished yet but I thought i'd post it so far. I really like Oliver's piece about the Asylum which is what gave me the original idea about being in a cell :)
There are no windows in my cell. The one thing I want to change. I
don’t care about the crusted scabs that are scattered over my legs. I don’t
care about the thick layer of grime under my fingernails. I’m way past caring
about something as petty as my appearance. I don’t even care about the bitter
taste in my mouth, the faint flavour of blood that lingers on my taste buds,
from when I chew the inside of my cheeks. I just want a window. No air. No air. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
I don’t know why I want to breathe; I have nothing worth staying alive for. But
the thing about death is that you only want it until it’s staring you in the
face. Then your humanity kicks in and you realise you don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.
This happens
sometimes. A ‘panic attack’ they call it. They make it sound like a disease,
but it’s just a human emotion; one that has got out of hand, uncontrollable. I
roughly yank my fingers through the knots in my hair, but it’s no use. The
clumps have gotten so large I don’t think they’ll ever come out. I stare down
at the tattered dress that barely covers me anymore. The pure white that it
used to be has become stained with both dirt and blood. My hand drags across
the markings etched into the wall. There are one hundred and seventy four of
them in total. One hundred and seventy four lines I’ve scratched into rock. One
hundred and seventy four days of my life spent rotting in here. One hundred and
seventy four days that nobody has come for me. One hundred and seventy four
reminders of everything I’ve lost.
There’s a sharp knock
at the door. Why the guard insists on knocking is a mystery to me. As if I’m
going to give him the satisfaction of acknowledgment. I can’t open the door
from my side anyway, and if they want to come in that badly then they will,
whether or not I answer their knock. I was right; it swings wide open, the
hinges moaning at the action. There’s the sound of a throat clearing when he
realises that I’m not going to lift my head. I flick my eyes up for a second,
but that’s all it takes.
“Katherine, it’s time for your shower”.
I get offered one of these once every two weeks, but I haven’t been
going recently. When I wash my body clean, it feels too much like I’m washing
away a part of myself too, and I fear that if I continue then eventually I will
be someone else. Staring at my bare feet intently, I wiggle my toes up and
down. I’m not interested, you big oaf, go away.
After a couple of minutes he does, and once again I am alone. My eyes screw up
tightly in an attempt to cease the tears that are in danger of spilling out. I
am not weak. I won’t let something as pointless as droplets of water leaking
from my eyes define who I am. I am strong.
About an hour later,
the metal bolt controlling the small hatch in my door shifts heavily. My tray
is shoved through, splattering water over the rim of the glass. A thick slice
of old bloomer bread, slightly blue at the edges, lies beside a scoop of lumpy
mash potato. Dinner’s arrived. I don’t know why the sight of food turns me into
ravenous animal, but it does. I lash out to grab it and take a huge bite of the
bread, mould and all. It scratches
uncomfortably down my dry throat as I swallow, but I bear it because my stomach
is throbbing. By now, I have learnt to tolerate the pain of hunger for most of
the day, I am only reminded of how much I crave to eat when I am given the
opportunity to in the evening. The water is warm, but it still feels blissful
and I gulp down half the glass in one. I will try to save the rest for during
the night but I doubt it will last me that long. I could ask for more, they
would probably give me some, yet I don’t because that type of act of
desperation will show weakness.
My grip on the jagged
stone is firm as I scrape it down the side of the wall to mark off another day.
Soon after, another knock at the door startles me out of my endless stare at
the lines; now one hundred and seventy five. Except this time the voice demands
to know if I need to use the toilet. I’d rather not spend longer than about
five seconds in the guard’s presence, but this is a need that I cannot really
deny myself of. I thump once on the door in reply, and it is jerked open. The
man on the other side, my guard, smirks when he sees me and I glare back at
him. Although I’m not much to look at, I know that I must be one of the only
girls in this place by the way that his eyes hungrily roam over my body. I hate
that. I’m not an object, I’m not an animal. But I keep my scowl fixed on him as
he tells me “This way, Katherine”.
I haven’t seen much
of the place I am kept in. I know my cell, obviously, and I know the short
route to the toilet; straight, left, another left, right, and it’s the door
straight ahead. They always make the guard take me there, even though I could
do it on my own. The hallways have no lights, so when I have to venture down
them at this time in the evening they are always gloomy. My nose wrinkles at
the slightly damp smell that wafts up my nostrils but I’m sure I smell much
worse. I guess I have just got used it. On the left of the door leading into
the toilet, there is a small window. Quite high, always covered by a simple
black blind, but still a window. However, today as we turn into the hall, I see
that the blind is up. I gasp at the sight of the sky; my first in one hundred
and seventy five days. There are a few wispy clouds, and the stars are starting
to emerge, breaking up the jet stretch. The guard shoves my back so that I
stumble through the toilet entrance and he wrenches the door shut behind me. I
just saw the sky. I just saw the sky. You
wouldn’t believe that you could miss something so ordinary, but without
realising it you take the simple things in life, like the sky, for granted.
After I have done
what I needed to do, I decide to look in the mirror. It’s placed on the wall
above the sink, clouded over with murky brown blots. I usually try to avoid it.
I’m scared of who I will see in there. But now some sort of interest spirals
through me, and I want to see my face. A thin nose sits just below my green,
watching eyes. They are alert, staring back at me, as I study the rest of
myself. My full lips are cracked and broken, a little dry blood attached to the
corners. I try to smile into the mirror but then I laugh because I realise I
don’t care what my smile looks like anymore. When am I going to need it in this
place? My tangled hair, so dark it’s almost black, hangs just below my
shoulders. Under normal circumstances, I would wear it in a million different
styles, but loose and knotted is the only one I sport in here.
“Hurry up in there!”, the guard bellows.
Before returning, I give my reflection one last glare, perfecting it
before tugging on the door and showing it to the guard waiting outside. The
blind on the window is down again. Jerk. We
begin back to my cell, and I am suddenly overcome with my hatred for this man,
for this life.
“A haircut that short doesn’t do much for your face, you know”, I say.
Having not spoken in I don’t know how long, my voice is raspy. He doesn’t
hear. I clear my throat and repeat it, this time louder. He whips round to face
me and I shrug, trying to look unphased by the way his eyes glower into mine,
unmercifully. That was sort of a lie, he isn’t that bad looking. He has defined
muscles from his training, but not overly large, and a strong, chiselled face.
The look that it always bears ruins it though, and as he watches me now,
assessing me, I want to punch his perfect nose crooked.
“You really shouldn’t
have said that”, the guard growls, and he reaches his hand out and grabs a
fistful of the sleeve on my dress. He drags me behind him as he starts taking
large strides to my cell, not even flinching as I whack his hand repeatedly. I
don’t like him touching me, but he’s too strong for me to stop him.
“Hey!” I shout at him, and he twists his body in my direction. I take
advantage of his moment of confusion and jerk my knee up into his stomach as
hard as I can. He doubles over and clutches it with both his hands, releasing
my dress from his grasp. I tear down the nearest hallway on my left, my arms
flailing out of control as I run carelessly. I need to find the way out. I want
to be free.
I have no idea where
I’m going; all these hallways look the same. But I don’t stop running. Damn it. The sound of thundering feet echo
behind me, bouncing between the two walls. The guard must have notified someone
that I got away from him. Trapped in a place full of armed, trained soldiers, I
have no chance. But, still, I don’t stop running. There must be at least twenty
of them back there, and I can feel them advancing on me, getting closer. My
breath falls short and I have to stop to catch it. I lean against the rocky
wall, panting heavily, and close my eyes in an attempt to soak up the moment.
So that when I am back in my cell again tonight, I can remember how freedom
felt, even if it was just for a minute.
I know it’s over when
I feel rough hands seize each of my arms, I’ve become so skinny that they can
completely wrap around them. They could snap my bone in just one flick of the
wrist. I bring myself to open my eyes and see that I’m surrounded, and I glance
either side of me to see who has the privilege of restraining me. The soldier
on my left has dirty blond hair, cropped close to his head, and a cruel grin.
The one to my right doesn’t look much older than me. He doesn’t seem to share
the same menacing look in his eyes that the other has. His are a deep, luring
brown and somehow they seem warm, understanding. Misleading, because how could
he understand?
“Naughty Katherine, trying to escape like that. Not a smart move, my
love”, Blondie whispers in my ear. His hot breath is unpleasant on my skin.
“Don’t patronise me”, I say. He squeezes his hand and his grip around
me tightens.
“Leave it, Seth.” The soldier with the brown eyes frowns at Blondie, or
Seth I guess, and something about the way he says it makes Seth listen. I
wonder who the leader is, who holds the authority here. I at least hope they
are not anything like Seth.
Someone at the back of the group with a deep, gruff voice says “We
should take her back to her room.” Room? Ha. What a joke. What room has a sheet
instead of a bed? Floor instead of a chair? No windows?
With both men holding me, though I struggle in their arms, I cannot get
away. The rest of the soldiers leave us, and the two of them return me to my
‘room’.
Once I am inside
again, the door secured shut, Seth unlocks the hatch and puts his mouth close
to the opening to speak through it.
“I’ll be back in an hour to collect you again. Colton wants to speak
with you”.
“Who’s Colton?”,
I reply dryly, “and why does he want to talk to me now, after all this time
I’ve been here?”
Seth’s lips form a tight smile. “He’s the reason that you’re here, my
love, and I expect you have a couple of questions you want to ask him too, so I
wouldn’t put up a fight.” And with that, he shifts the bolt back across and the
hatch seals once more.
Staying here has made me accustomed to being on my own for a long
length of time, but I swear this hour moves slower than any other has ever
done. If I had a clock in here then I’m sure the second hand would be ticking
so gradually that I wouldn’t even be able to see it moving. I begin humming to myself
softly. I often do this when I can be sure that nobody outside my cell is listening
to me. It’s a simple tune, one that both my parents used to hum. Just a
repetition of eight different notes, but it still comforts me greatly.
“Knock knock!”, Seth announces animatedly from the other side of the
door. He pushes it open and his eyes immediately find mine. His navy uniform is
fitted perfectly to his body and he taps one of his bulky, black boots on the
floor repeatedly. I rise from my cross-legged position, not too rushed; I don’t
want to seem overly eager. He smirks as I follow him out the doorway. I see the
soldier with the brown eyes is also standing on the left of my cell, where the
old guard used to stand. He doesn’t speak or even look at me, just stares
straight ahead. Seth nods at him, and then produces a thick, firm rope and begins
to tie my hands together behind my back.
“Don’t want you trying to run away again”, he says.
“Just take me wherever you need to take me”. I don’t have the patience
for his jeering; I just want to know why I was dumped and kept captive here for
half a year. He grunts and starts to lead me through the building. We visit
hallways I’ve never seen before, turning down too many for me to remember the
route, though I try. A narrow, winding staircase appears in front of us as we
round the next corner and Seth starts to make his way up, pulling me along
after him. I count the steps. There are 16 of them. The floor at the top is
smooth, unlike the hallways below, and a glossy black that gleams under the
artificial lights on the ceiling. The intense beams they let down stab a harsh
pain behind my eyes, I haven’t seen
light this bright since I arrived. It makes my skin look a sickly, washed out
white and highlights the deep crimson of the scabs upon it.
At the end of the hall stands a dark mahogany door. Seth raps on it
three times and a voice, smooth yet sticky like caramel, calls out “Enter!”
Seth pushes the handle down, and eases the door forward. The room that
opens up before us is enormous in comparison to my puny cell. But it shares the
similarity that there are very little decorations. No ornaments or pictures on
the wall. A simple, black wooden desk is situated at the back, in the centre,
and behind it sits a man who looks to be in his early twenties. His hair sweeps
in waves across his forehead, not so long that it would get it his eyes, but
not so short that it bears a resemblance to Seth’s. Its colour matches that of
his desk, so black that his shockingly blue eyes seem to pop out of his face.
“Welcome to my chamber, Katherine.” His thin lips purse together in a taut
smile, and I see his eyes flash as he drinks me in. He isn’t shy as he studies
me, his gaze moving leisurely from my feet up to my face. But it’s different to
the guard earlier; he doesn’t look at me as if I’m something he gets to enjoy,
more as if he’s considering my looks. He’s curious. He forces his chair swiftly
backwards, stands, and moves in front of the desk. He is dressed in navy, like
the soldiers, but he wears a long sleeved shirt and loose trousers, tucked into
the same hefty boots as the others. Looking at him, I realise that I finally
can put a name and face to the person that has been keeping me locked up here.
“Colton”, I say, withdrawing all emotion from my voice, and then I
launch myself at him. I can’t really do much damage with my hands still secured
behind my back, but as my body collides with his, we both topple onto the
floor. With hitting, scratching, and punching all crossed off the list, I
decide my next best option is to bite. I manage to sink my teeth down hard into
the skin on his neck before he shoves me off of him, propelling me onto my
back.
